So todays Mental Health Monday will be in blog form, reason 1 being that I hate the way I look at the moment, reason 2 is that I am lacking motivation to film and edit and reason 3 is that its actually so nice to sit and vegetate in my pyjamas but still produce something.
Quite a few people have asked how I feel I’ve been treated, by the mental health team and friends and family, before and after diagnosis so in this blog I shall be explaining it.
I was initially diagnosed with depression in 2009, I very emotional and unstable a lot of the time and my behaviour was so erratic that I was regularly kicked out of my house for the night to think about my actions, I was careless about anything and at that time people saw me as ruthless and uncontrollable, I struggled to hold a job down because of the way I was, I had no trouble in finding other jobs but was always dismissed after a few months because I was a liability to whomever I was working with.
This earnt me a reputation of someone who was “off the rails” and people became very wary of me, even in each job people would constantly make snide remarks about my efforts, some even went as far to publically shame me on social media, I acted like the comments meant nothing but they were only hurting me more. Since 2009 I have also been diagnosed with Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (or emotional instability disorder).
I have always struggled making and keeping friends, even now. I feel I don’t get invited places because people are worried I may become anxious or frustrated or feel as if my sudden change in moods will ruin the occasion. I just don’t feel I am worth anybody’s time or effort and I am being kept at arms length. I had a few huge fallouts with friends last year and it has knocked my confidence massively, even though we are on good terms now I don’t feel I am worth their time or efforts anymore and I am too scared to form friendships with anyone else in case history repeats itself.
In terms of family, I feel my extended family aren’t interested in what I am doing however my mum, dad, sister and brother have been more understanding of me than ever before, my diagnoses perfectly explain why I am the way I am. My treatment by the NHS has been very up and down, I have seen the Crisis team (emergency mental health team) on several occasions over the years and have been met with really supportive nurses but there has also been times where I have come out of appointments more confused and dazed than when I went in, I also felt that after being diagnosed with BPD (I was diagnosed after a suicide attempt in May last year) that I was left in limbo, and at a time where I needed support more than ever I wasn’t given information on how to look after myself in a crisis or any other support services, I was invited to see the psychiatrist again recently and I explained I was overeating and putting on weight and he said “yes, you are overweight now but you can change that”- I am 5ft 10 and 10 stone 11lbs which is in fact a healthy weight for my height, and when I already suffer with self confidence and mid-identity crisis was very triggering for me, luckily I have found a BPD community on Facebook and Twitter and I am able reach out to them if I feel I need to.
My GP however, has been absolutely outstanding, he makes sure I see him every 3 weeks to check up on my progress and ensures that I am on the best treatment possible and that all services involved are pulling their weight and supporting me. I am on a good balance of meds (even though they make me pile on weight) and today I have been informed I start the STEPPS therapy programme (System Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving) in the beginning of April, it will be 2 hours a week until August.
I think I have briefly covered everything, if not I’ll be sure to include it in another video.
Abbie Autopsy xo
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