Hello. Sorry it has been a while since I last wrote you a blog, I’ve been busy- I would say with “life stuff” but that doesn’t come close, I’ve been busy battling with myself but this time the battle is getting too much.
On Mondays I have been releasing a mental health related video on my Youtube channel and this week it was about Relationships and Friendships with BPD, which you can watch by clicking this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nm8n7t_y2WE&t=3s
I couldn’t go into too much detail in this video as it was already extremely long and I had to cut 23 minutes out of it!
The purpose of this blog is to apologise to everyone I have hurt or upset, I’m very sorry and I didn’t mean it.
Dear loved one,
First of all I want to say that I’m sorry that by knowing me there’s a chance I’ve already I have already upset you because of my thoughts/behaviours/actions, you may feel as if you don’t understand how I can act in such a way, the truth is, I don’t understand me either. Why have we lost so many great people yet I am still here? Why can’t I think in a healthy way? Why am I such a horrid person? Why why why is a question I ask myself every second of every day. Why aren’t I good enough to be their friend? Why haven’t they messaged me in a while? Why don’t they wont to see me?
My mind is sick and it has been sick for years, it is a running joke that I came out the womb with BPD because the way I am acting/living now is the way I always have, I first self harmed at the age of 11 out of curiosity, that curiosity is now the only clutch I hold on to. I look at photos of girls my age with their tummies and legs on show, their skin is how it is meant to be beautifully smooth and radiant and not fashioned with deep angry scars and fresh cuts. I’m an extremely jealous person, I’m jealous of people who have friends, I’m jealous of people who go for girly dates to spas and salons and go on trips and days out with their friends. But I know I shouldn’t be jealous, because I’m the reason those things don’t happen to me, my sick mind is the reason, I should be in control of my own mind but I couldn’t be more out of control if I tried.
When I am upset or angry with someone, I say the most horrendous things , they aren’t ever true, but I say them to get a reaction from somebody, and that often means me saying the most vile and malicious thing I can think of, and most of the time I am successful, I get my reaction but then I subsequently lose that person. I can’t lose someone else?! So then I try and sweet talk them to get them back, but the damage is done, their feelings are already hurt and then I descend even further down my downward spiral. I have had 2 major fallouts with friends this year, both have been resolved but I have not emotionally recovered from either. I still feel as if I have lost someone. And I have lost someone. I’ve lost myself. I just feel like a failure, I fail at being a friend, I fail at being a good person, I literally mess up every opportunity I am given.
I often wonder why I should bother with anything, I waste so much emotional energy, there are people in my life who I have tried to spend alone time with for well over a year now and there is always something that means they have no time for me, I know deep down its because they don’t want to be around me by themselves, its like I’m a catalyst for bad things to happen. It Deep down I have ambition, I’d love to work in a tattoo studio as front of house and be a self employed taxidermist one day, but who would want me representing their business?
Friendships and relationships are emotionally exhausting for people with BPD, we feel as if we have to give you the sun, moon and stars to make you happy, but we know we cant do that so we may come across as obsessive, constantly messaging you asking to do things, it often feels like you don’t ask us, maybe you do but our minds block it out. Like who wants to spend time with wretches like us? I would love a girly date, to a salon or spa for a treatment then lunch after. I haven’t had one since October 2012 just before my physical health troubles took hold, I don’t deserve much I know, but I deserve a little bit of somebodies time.
Relationship wise, I’ve not been in a relationship for 7 years, even in relationships I can be hostile and short tempered, but I’m scared to love someone because everyone I love, I end up losing. I have started going on dates and seeing people but they never materialise into anything. I do have crushes and infatuations but I am scared to act on them in case I push people away. My family are learning to cope with me and my condition now, but they still don’t know how to help me in a crisis, they don’t know what goes through my head, and nor do I. I’m still trying to understand this illness I’ve suffered with for so long but now I know its an illness and not just me being a twat. I question whether I should cut all ties with everyone because that way I know I wouldn’t upset anyone, but in my current situation I already feel extremely isolated and lonely so by cutting ties it would mean feeling even more alone and that is the last thing I want.
I don’t even know if this letter has even made any sense, nothing makes sense to me anymore.
Again, I am so so sorry.
I’m good at convincing people I’m okay, but that doesn’t help me. I am still awaiting therapy, this therapy will help me see what is healthy and unhealthy in a friendship and relationship, it will help me realise my mistakes before I make them and hopefully it will teach me to become a good person.
This coming Monday I shall be uploading a video on Misophonia at 5pm GMT.
Always tell your friends and family how much you love them and make sure to always find the time for them, before its too late.