***********************POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING************************
Above is a picture I took in a changing room, originally the picture was going to be my “before” photo for the drastic weight loss I had envisioned in my head, this is about 4 months old now and at the time I was deep inside a mental health crisis, my Borderline Personality Disorder was sucking the life out of me, I was initiating arguments with my friends over the most trivial of things yet they seemed to be the most horrendous things in my extremely warped and foggy brain. I couldn’t think logically, I could barely go an hour without crying and I was convinced I had lost my friends forever. That obviously wasn’t the case, but as with BPD patients, everything is amplified by a million, in our minds we are not overreacting- everyone else isn’t reacting ENOUGH. The mood swings come out of nowhere and its like someone is flicking the on and off switch in your brain and you’re trying to keep that light on.
Its a lot to cope with, as you could imagine, on top of existing depression, anxiety and body image issues. I consider myself to be a very lonely person, sure I have friends that talk to me a lot, but I don’t go out anywhere with them, I don’t know how to orchestrate a friendship properly (but with my upcoming therapy it will be easier) but I often feel that I am not invited because I am not significant enough a person to be with them, I’m not funny enough, I’m not pretty enough, not intelligent enough- I’m just not ENOUGH. I know in my heart that isn’t the case, but my unwell brain seems to always win.
Anyway, I’m steering away from the purpose of this blog. So another symptom of BPD is self-harm and suicidal tendencies, at present I’m not in therapy or on any antidepressants so if I’m honest, everyday I wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t here, at times I feel so isolated its like I’m already dead. As you can see from the above picture, scars litter my stomach and thighs, I am a self harmer, over the years I have cut myself, branded myself with irons, repeatedly whacked my head against a wall, anything just to feel a physical pain to replace the mental pain in my head. Its a coping mechanism for me and I was clean for about 9 months until May this year until my BPD was diagnosed and my life descended into chaos, I have never felt depression as bad as I have this year. I’d just started my first job in 3 and a half years 5 weeks before- a customer facing role which is a big deal for me as I am such an anxious person, and I had a fall out, one that what ultimately lead me to my diagnosis of BPD. I started self harming then and I struggled to stop, cutting multiple times a day, cutting in the toilet at work, in the toilets at the pub as I was waiting for people to arrive, last thing before bed and the first thing I did when I woke up. I carried my “tools” around everywhere, I didn’t necessarily have to use them- but I had to know they were there, just in case. Its a self punishment, I had to make sure that I was physically hurting more than the people I upset or anger, even though I upset and anger them as a result of a retched mental illness.
I’m starting my first therapy next week, Art therapy, and I am so excited, not just because I get to create things, but because its the first step on my road to recovery, its going to be along and bumpy road I’m sure but its the road I need to take to be a better person and a better friend.
I did not write this blog to be “attention seeking”, NOTHING about mental health is attention seeking, I’ve been labelled attention seeking many times over the years and it couldn’t be further from the truth, I want to be loved and respected like everyone else does. If you are struggling with self harm, I recommend that you arrange an appointment with your GP or speak with a good friend, sometimes all it takes is a friendly chat for you to realise that self harm isn’t the answer. I am personally still struggling but I will be undergoing an intense therapy course designed for BPD patients known as the STEPPS programme and it will help me learn a different, much safer coping mechanism.
In regards to modelling, I’m getting back on that horse realllll soon so you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled!
Abbie Autopsy xo
Mind Infoline- 0300 123 3393 or text 86463
Samaritans- 116 123
In Emergencies- 999
Non emergencies- 111
Self Harm UK- https://www.selfharm.co.uk/questions/ask