Yesterday I uploaded a new YouTube video about my Borderline Personality Disorder, I will be uploading a video every 1-2 weeks called “Pillow Talk”, and in these videos I will be talking about sensitive subjects that people avoid and try to help break the stigma surrounding them.
I talked about the symptoms I experience on a daily basis but didn’t really explain what its like to live with the dark cloud that is BPD constantly hanging over my head, the only time I get a break from it is when I sleep (and trust me, that isn’t very often!) the moment I wake up my mind floods with worry, “what if I say/do something to upset someone today?”, “does my friend ____ still like me?”, “what if I fuck up at work, will I lose my job?” are just a couple of examples.
Little things like avoiding wearing too much make up in case I cry it all off when I descend into an oversensitive mess, wearing tights thick enough that people can’t see my self harm scars and trying to sound happy and cheerful to people when I actually want to hide in my bedroom and avoid all human contact. There are times when I am so happy I cannot contain myself, I become extremely hyperactive and I have to try and compose myself, especially when I am working. It is the same when I am on the opposite end of the spectrum, when I don’t want to wash my hair or have a shower because I have little desire or energy to do anything, I don’t want to talk to anyone because I fear they may something to upset me, even if the thing they told me wasn’t intended to upset me.
I wrote (and deleted) a blog a few months ago about FOMO (fear of missing out) and while I now know this is due to fear of abandonment, every time a friend mentions they went and spent time with their other friends over the weekend without my knowledge, I don’t think “I’m glad you had a lovely time” my BPD brain says “they had a good time because you weren’t there!”, this in turn will be the start of my brain tormenting me for a few days, picturing them laughing and joking, having a lovely time, whilst I on the same day was in a deep depressive episode, wanting to message someone but also not wanting to burden them with my problems. My psychiatrist bluntly told me that if my friends didn’t invite me somewhere, its because they don’t want me there in the first place, that is an extremely hard thing for me to digest, especially as I struggle making friends as it is, but its the truth. If I’m not wanted somewhere, they wont invite me. simple. period.
In turn, I can say the most vile and malicious things to people, they are so easy for me to say when I’m having an aggressive episode and they don’t mean anything to me, they aren’t the truth, but at that moment in time I want a reaction from someone I want them to hurt like I hurt, but it doesn’t come close. The words don’t come from anywhere deep inside me, they are literally disposable, yet they really upset the other person so much. Its hard when this happens because people with BPD are extremely empathetic, we suffer with “emotional sponging” which means we can pick up on others emotions very easily and we start to experience those emotions too, I tend to avoid others who are depressed/ stressed out because I find it hard to escape those emotions. I’m still struggling with comments I have made about people, even though they have forgiven me, I am still punishing and torturing myself over them, I am the QUEEN of overthinking and oversensitivity!
Right now, I am in a very deep, depressive episode, I have been for a few days now, its hard seeing the world carry on and have a good time while you are aware that you’re illness is demonizing you and scaring everyone away, I have nothing to keep me occupied and distracted. I awaiting another therapy assessment and I am looking at other ways to channel my emotions other than self harm, such as arts and crafts and days out- although I don’t like spending time by myself. I can understand why people don’t wish to spend time with me, I’m so unpredictable and I don’t feel I deserve the friends I have and I feel so unworthy of anyones love. I would do ANYTHING not to feel like this anymore.
I am not posting this for attention, I just want people to understand why I am the way I am, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I did not choose to have it, it chose me, its the monster living inside my head and I need to destroy it.