Last Friday was a very big eye opener for me.
For a while now I’ve been fighting a big battle inside my head and I’ve either been masking it or unleashing the wrath of Abbie onto my unsuspecting friends and family (sorry guys!) I’ve always been a very sensitive, highly emotional soul, I’ve always overreacted to the smallest things, leaving people bewildered if I either flew into a fit of rage or burst into a crying snotty mess. I have the most vile temper and I can fall into a deep depression at the drop of a hat and it is very hard to cope with.
I’m a very empathetic person, I feel things very deeply. TOO deeply, and because of this, I take everyone’s actions very, very seriously. Had to cancel on me? That means you hate me. Don’t invite me somewhere? That means you aren’t my friend. Take selfies with all of your friends but not me? You think I’m ugly or don’t want to be seen with me. My mind is warped, it doesn’t think you’ve cancelled because you had a family emergency, it doesn’t think that your friends phone is low on storage and cant store anymore photos without them deleting apps, it thinks that the world hates me with a burning passion.
I’m constantly worried my friends will abandon me for whatever reason and I’m always on the watch for evidence of this, and I will often go to extreme lengths to try and make sure they don’t forget about me, I’ll buy them expensive gifts, start doing things they do and generally do anything I can to ensure I fit in with them and their interests as much as possible. Because of this, I have sort of lost sight of who I am, I don’t know who I am, what I am doing with my life or where the hell I am going, having lifelong physical health problems hasn’t helped the matter. I have lost my sense of self and I am desperate to find out my calling in life.
Last week I reached rock bottom and I sought out medical advice, I was seen within 24 hours by my local Crisis team (emergency mental health team) where I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder, although some professionals believe that the name BPD isn’t as clear).
As soon as I was given the diagnosis, I feel relieved for a short while and that was followed by a feeling that I had just been told I was the worst person ever, but the diagnosis also meant that the way I was feeling and acting wasn’t because I’m a bad person, it just means I’m struggling to manage my behaviours and feelings and that I need professional help. For years my friends and family have suggested I seek help for my issues but I always blew them off “I’m fine”, right? Doesn’t everyone cry themselves to sleep at night or because a friend gives them some honest advice?
Next came the crucial telling family, friends and work colleagues, I rehearsed a perfectly choreographed conversation with them all in my head and went about creating the perfect scene telling them and what would happen if the scene went wrong or they didn’t react well. I needn’t have worried about telling any of them, all of them have praised me for seeking my help and offered me support and they even check up on me in sporadic intervals to see how I am coping with the new diagnosis.
The diagnosis is daunting but also a blessing in disguise, because I know I can get the help I need and I know what I need to do to improve and get better. Recovery is possible, recovery can be a long journey, and with any journey there can be setbacks, delays and bumps in the road, I am willing to anyone to improve myself, my work, my relationships with family and friends. I will be starting Dialectical Behavioural Therapy in July, DBT is used to help people like me develop skills to manage my emotions better, there is quite a range of therapies available for EUPD/BPD sufferers and they will work differently for different people, just like there is more than one way to cook a potato, some prefer them roasted, others boiled (or fermented into an alcoholic liquid! 😉 )
So that explains my silence on my youtube channel and in general over my social media, some people may think I’m attention seeking for writing this, but all I am aiming to achieve by writing this blog is being understood and raise mental health awareness.
Abbie Autopsy xo
More information on EUPD/BPD can be found here- http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/#.V0deVLvmrIU